Former Nixon and George H.W. Bush media stooge Roger Ailes had his best day yet on Thursday. FoxNews and Facebook teamed up to host the first, of hopefully many many more, Republican Presidential Debate. This cycle, the Republicans have 17 candidates vying for the privilege to lose to whomever the Democrats nominate in their Primary. But, 17 candidates are hard to fit on one stage. Ailes, President of FoxNews, was put in a tough spot for this debate. He decided that the 10 candidates with the highest poll numbers would make it to the debate. This set off a firestorm among the candidates polling at the bottom. They, rightfully, argued that it is unfair to keep them from participate in the debate. The leader in the polls this early out rarely wins the nomination, and anyone of these 17 candidates has a chance to win. So, after much furor and anger was directed toward them, FoxNews declared there would be 2 debates. The 10 top candidates would have a debate at 9PM, while the 7 other lower tier candidates would have their debate at 5PM. So, with 2 debates to watch, we knew we would be in for a long night.

As 5PM rolled around, we were excited to see how the first debate would go. Would anyone say something outrageous? How would the crowd react? Would there be any substance to what the candidates were saying? All of these questions were answered, and for the most part, it sucked. It was dreadful. It was a Republican debate so obviously candidates were saying outrageous things. There was no crowd to react to those outrageous things though, which is thoroughly disappointing. And, the questions were as substantive as the answers, meaning there was none. (Although the question about putting mosques under surveillance and destroying freedom on the internet were definitely shocking.)

Let’s start with the person at the center of the biggest controversy of this debate, Rick Perry. In the 5 most recent polls, Rick Perry was the 10^th choice among Republican primary voters. However, Ailes chose to use 4 recent polls, and one older one, as the basis for the cutoff, and Ohio Governor John Kasich made it into the 9PM debate. Perry needed a stand out performance, and he delivered. Only, it wasn’t in the way Perry had hoped. Answering a question on immigration, Perry quoted our 40^th President, Republican icon Ronald Raven. Yes, Ronald Raven. Oops…

Let’s turn our attention now to 2012 Republican runner up, a frothy former Senator from Pennsylvania, the other Rick, Rick Santorum. Santorum has spent the majority of this campaign complaining that it was his turn to be the nominee, and that he should be taken seriously. He spent much of the debate focusing on how sad he was he didn’t get an opportunity to play with the big boys. He did seem more prepared and better versed than most of the candidates there. Especially former New York Governor George Pataki and former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore. Who are they? Exactly.

Turning to another former Governor, Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal. Oh wait. he’s still governor? Did anyone tell Louisiana? Anyway, Bobby Jindal set out to prove he hates “teh gays” the mostest of them all. Did he mention that its because Jesus. You betcha ;) At least when asked what he would do to Planned Parenthood, Jindal stayed on point, he would defund it. South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham however, decided that the answer to that question was to go to war in Iraq. In fact, that was his answer to every single question. “Senator Graham, what’s your favorite color? We need to go to war with ISIS!!" But the winner of the kiddie debate was failed former HP CEO Carly Fiorina. She won the debate by simply sounding the least insane. That’s it. She didn’t answer any questions of substance, as there were none. And she also didn’t give any answers of substance, as she has none. Overall, I would rate this debate as 3.5 out of 5 stars. It was entertaining, and exactly what a Republican debate should be. But without the crowd’s reaction to some of the crazy, it was hard to know how people really did.

CRAW!!! Ronald Raven agrees too.